Author’s Note – This poem is from deep in my archives, written in the early 2000s before the Muppets were a thing again. It’s far from being a great poem, but it’s fun, I think.
Kermit the Frog is dead,
too burdened to get out of bed.
His agents came to him one day
To order changes without delay.
“Your show’s nice, but we’ve got suggestions.
Just stop us if you’ve got questions.
Miss Piggy’s a beaut in her way,
But audiences want perfection today.
That Gonzo’s a natural star.
Give him his own show and he’ll go far.
Fozzie the Bear’s out of date—
He needs new clothes, new jokes, less weight.
We’ve ad’s to shoot with Sam the Eagle
On tax reforms and keeping guns legal.
The Hecklers’ quips are the perfect sound bytes
To supplement our commercial web site.
Scooter needs to get himself a catchphrase
If he hopes to start a fan craze.
That Swedish guy has got to go;
He could be illegal for all we know.
And all those chickens and penguins, too.
They belong in a zoo.
Oh, and by the way,
What’s this about the letter A?
If your shows need sponsors
To pay all those freaks and monsters,
Get real ones like Toyota,
McDonald’s and Motorola.”
Then Kermit swallowed with a gulp,
Looking as if he’d just been walloped
By a random boomerang fish
Who still could do exactly as it wished.
A note was found beside his bed,
The day Doc Holliday found him dead,
And this is what it read:
“It’s not easy being green
and believing all your crazy dreams
when you are held and bound
by what others have already found.
My imperfect imagination
Is truer than your studied calculations.
Perhaps you’ll never find it,
That Rainbow Connection.
The lovers, the dreamers,
And me.