The Works of Nick Hayden

Published April 3, 2010

After a long absence from the joys and rigors of a reporter’s life, I have found myself thrust back into my role as intermediary between personalities of note and the general public. Soon after my first re-publishing of my previous interviews, I received a called from Mr. Michael Goodyear, who requested an interview. Seeming a gentlemen of interest, and indeed wishing to return to that most noble of professions—journalism—I could not refuse. Michael Goodyear is the founder and president of Twice the Christian, a organization of no little note. Below, I record our conversation.

Nick: Good afternoon, Mr. Goodyear.

Michael: Please, call me Mike. It sounds like you’re talking to my father.

Nick: (laughing) Very well, Mike. You said on the phone you’re the founder of a group called Twice the Christian. What’s the group’s purpose? I want to say it’s dedicated to some sort of secret formula to living the Christian life, but my wife thinks otherwise. Who’s right?

Michael: The woman’s always right, you know that. No, Twice the Christian’s purpose is to help a marginalized and often overlooked segment of the Christian church feel welcomed and accepted.

Nick: Which group is this? The X-Games crowd?

Michael: Nope. Try again.

Nick: Gays?

Michael: Popular guess, but wrong.

Nick: Politicians?

Michael: You’ll never guess it. It’s not even on your radar. The Biannuals.

Nick: Er…who?

Michael: Biannuals is a technical term for those people who only attend church on Christmas and Easter. They’ve been grossly neglected by the Christian church and even abused.

Nick: …Abused?

Michael: Yes, that’s exactly the word. Abused by guilt. They look in their closet and think, Well, I better dress up so that no one thinks I’m a slob. They shuffle into the sanctuary, almost petrified by the fear of taking someone else’s pew. They pull a ten out of their wallet when the offering basket comes around, having no choice in the matter. They can feel the pressure of twenty centuries of tradition squeezing them into a little teeny, itty-bitty box. And what do they get for their heroic efforts? The same two sermons over and over again.

Nick: I can see what you mean…but, they could come other weeks…there’re a lot of churches that would be more than welcoming….

Michael: You’re missing the point, Nick. It’s not about welcoming. It’s about burdens. The truth will set you free and all that. We Biannuals, we don’t want to come more often. And, quite frankly, we don’t think we need to. That’s what’s so wonderful about Christianity.

Nick: I get that. I really do. But, then, how can you say you’re being abused and—

Michael: It’s in their eyes. It’s in the way they handle their Bibles, like they know where everything is. They think they’re so much better than us, just because they sing songs with the name Jesus in it.

Nick: I think that’s a rather unfair thing to say.

Michael: Look, times change. Life is so much busier now than it was 100 years ago. Who wants to get up on Sunday morning and listen to some words from an old book? There’re new books to read, and new movies to watch, sports teams to follow, Farmtown crops to harvest. We have to streamline. We have to be more efficient. The Biannuals understand this. Two Sundays instead of fifty-two. Birth and Death. We get everything, we just get it more effectively. Like Cliff Notes.

Nick: Okay, okay…just, okay. For the sake of argument, let’s say Christianity is only about showing up for an hour on Sunday morning. You’re saying that a fan of Jesus only has to come two hours a year.

Michael: Yes.

Nick: Would you also say you could be considered a fan of say, LOST, if you only watched the finales?

Michael: That’s what I’m trying to tell you. By condensing visits to church, we make time to watch awesome shows like LOST. And V. And that cooking show with the crazy Japanese guy who introduces the secret ingredients.

Nick: If I told you Christianity was about a relationship, and that relationships take time to mature, what would you say?

Michael: I’d say you were closed-minded, tight-fisted, tea-bagging bigot.

Nick: Ah…

Michael: But I wouldn’t hold it against you.

Nick: That’s nice of you.

Michael: Someday you’ll understand that everything is instantaneous, that everything is easy, that everything is free, that everything should be ours at the touch of a button, and that this is the future. We won’t stand for anything else. I can read the writing on the wall. The Church needs to, also.

Nick: (under his breath) Now that I’m thoroughly depressed…. (Louder) Well, yes, thank you for your insights, Mike. It was interesting to hear your point of view.

Michael: Thanks. I’m glad. Strange phrase, don’t you think—the writing on the wall. Where do you suppose it’s from?

Nick: (shrugging) Who knows? I suppose you could look it up on Wikipedia.

Originally published January 5, 2008

Nick: For the first interview of 2008, I had to pull a few strings, make a few calls, but our guest today was kind enough to make the long trek to Kendallville for an exclusive. In the hot seat today is none other than Janus, patron god of January. Welcome.

(Janus inclines his head.)

Nick: It must be quite an honor to have a month named after you, especially such an important one. How does it make you feel to claim the first month of every new year as your own?

Janus: I look forward to it with eager anticipation. When it comes, I am always disappointed.

Nick: I’m sorry to hear that.

Janus: The future is always better than the present. You can dream about the future; you can change the future. But when the future arrives as the present, it smacks you in the face, bloodies your nose, and bustles past without so much as a “Pardon me.”

Nick: I suppose that happens sometimes…

Janus: It gets worse, though. By the time you brush yourself off and steel yourself for another day, dreaming about how this time she’ll smile at you and shake your hand and maybe give you a pat on the back, tomorrow comes and hits you over the head with a sledgehammer. After that, all you can think of is how wonderful yesterday was when all you got was a bloody nose. And soon you begin to look upon the bloody nose with a sort of fondness and you begin to say to yourself, “Remember how warm that blood was and how alive I felt when I hit the ground and how much I appreciated the experience. I always have a story to share at parties now.” And so you begin to dream about bloody noses. But tomorrow comes and steps on your toes instead. Then the next day spits in your face. A whole week stares at you as if ready to perform an act of wickedness but does nothing but grin slyly and walk away. Suddenly, one day arrives and greets you fondly, hugs you and even kisses you, but you’re so preoccupied with the dream of a bloody nose that you don’t even notice. By the time you get it into your head what’s happened, another week has passed in sullen silence. You discard your dreams of bloody noses, looking again for that Sweet Day that kissed you and–whack!–there’s the bully smashing in your face again.

Nick: Er…that a rather cynical view of life…

Janus: Do you know what I remember of my 16th birthday?

Nick: I’m afraid I don’t.

Janus: We had ice cream cake. All my friends were over and quite a few people I didn’t like, too. I opened loads of gifts, and my Dad even bought home a used chariot he had purchased for me. It should have been a wonderful birthday. But Proserpina was there, and she handed me my present so sweetly, smiling at me like she saw only me. But she held Pluto’s hand. I have her gift still at home. It’s such a shameful gift. Every time I look at it I remember that day and how I wanted nothing more than for her to kiss me, for her to spit in Pluto’s face. And I’m ashamed of the gift now because I’m aware that she’ll never kiss me, but I still keep it and dream and make little fantasies in my head about how she’ll kiss me someday.

Nick: (silence) …I’m sorry.

Janus: Don’t be. You might as well apologize for the creation of the world. I know better than most how constantly disappointed we all are. But if Jupiter, the father of gods, changes lovers with the setting and rising of the sun, I don’t see how the rest of us are going to manage much better. As mutable as the father, so all those under him.

Nick: …I don’t believe Jupiter is the father of gods.

Janus: Oh, you’re one of those Cronus worshippers. He’s in prison, you know.

Nick: No…older than that, who’s not so…changeable. I’ll explain after the interview. One final question: You’re well-known among the gods for having two faces, one that looks forward and one that looks backward. Do you think having these two faces hinders you from living in the present?

Janus: Look, the present holds only a single moment. I have centuries of regrets, guilt, bitterness, fond memories, and nostalgia burdening me down and centuries of daydreams, hopes, plans, anxieties, and fantasies lifting me up. What does the measly present have on that?

Nick: Well, some have said that the present is where we touch eternity.

Janus: I know for a fact that I have eternity too. Late at night, sometimes, I relive all my best moments and lament at their passing. Or I stew in regret and construct fantasies to relieve me of them. I’ve lived quite a few eternities on my bed. Do you think living life comparable to that? What worlds I have in my head!

Nick: I can imagine. Well, thank you Janus for your time today. If you don’t mind staying a moment, I can explain what I meant earlier.

Originally published on December 22, 2007

My dear readers, I am truly humbled by the response my first interview has made among certain circles. Within a day of its publication, I received no less than four phone calls from parties interested in my services. Even with the approach of Christmas and the New Year, these people were willing to set aside a few moments of their precious time to speak with me. It is too great an honor for this lowly reporter. And, indeed, it is too much work, since I shall soon be leaving town for Christmas and afterward play my part as groomsman at a good friend’s wedding. I had time for one short interview only, which I chose due to its critical importance to the season.

Nick: Good evening, Ms. Svetlana. Let me thank you again for taking time out of your busy schedule.

Ms. Svetlana: Not a problem, not a problem. I’m always open to spreading the word on this crucial subject. It is a pressing, modern problem and it must be dealt with immediately.

Nick: Good. First, tell us what this problem is.

Ms. Svetlana: Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Santa Claus is the problem.

Nick: You mean that many people teach their children about Santa and you believe we shouldn’t?

Ms. Svetlana: What? Look, every kid grows up knowing Santa and to think otherwise is plain idiocy. He’s a powerful cultural figure, as real to us today as Zeus and Athena were to the ancient Greeks. That’s why I fear him. He has the power to sway millions of children each year, and he uses it to destroy them.

Nick: …and how is this?

Ms. Svetlana: Cookies, Mr. Hayden. He conquers his subjects with cookies.

Nick: …um…and how is this?

Ms. Svetlana: Look, it’s quite obvious. This superman, Santa Claus, demands an offering of cookies from every boy and girl on the planet. Now, I don’t know what he does with them all, he may throw most of them away for all I know. But we know for a fact that he eats a good many of them. Other sources attest quite regularly to his stomach which resembles a “bowl full of jelly.” A more disgusting image I cannot find in all the literature of this man. What is worst, this grotesque man, fat and bloated from his yearly bacchanalian binge, is looked upon as jolly and even venerable. What does this teach our children, let me ask you that? I’ll tell you what it teaches them! It teaches them that to be happy and holy, one must eat cookies! A few years ago we made a small victory with that blue cooking-eating maniac on Sesame Street, but that was only a skirmish. Santa Claus—now he’s the real foe!

Nick: Ms. Svetlana, if you could please sit…

Ms. Svetlana: Sit? Sit! As if I could stay seated while millions of children are brainwashed by this trickster demigod! Have you no feeling?

Nick: (stammering) I do agree that obesity is a real problem in some cases—

Ms. Svetlana: Exactly, exactly! Which is why this year we’re pushing our newest products. Ready—this is genius—“Saint Nick’s Celery Sticks”!

Nick: Saint Nick’s Celery Sticks?

Ms. Svetlana: Yes, yes! Say it with me again. Together—Saint Nick’s…

Nick: …Celery Sticks.

Ms. Svetlana: Our five-year goal is to totally replace Santa’s cookies with these festively packaged celery sticks. Since celery has a negative caloric intake, Santa will actually lose weight every year, so with say, ten years, he will be a slim, trim elderly man, with an increase in energy and a decrease in heart disease. This change will affect children at an emotional level, and they too will take to eating celery instead of cookies. Brilliant, isn’t it?

Nick: Well, yes…it’s all sounds good…and I see you have an honorable goal and all…

Ms. Svetlana: What is it?

Nick: I can’t help but wonder if holidays shouldn’t be celebrated with cookies.

Ms. Svetlana: Of course you’d say that. How old are you anyway, eighteen?

Nick: Twenty-seven.

Ms. Svetlana: In any case, you’ve got the metabolism of a Tasmanian Devil, haven’t you? You don’t have to worry about cookies going straight to your hips, do you?

Nick: Er…

Ms. Svetlana: What is it with you people, huh? Can’t you see we’re just bags of consumption? Can’t you see that we’re giant waste converters? Food’s a necessary evil, like oil and natural gas! We consume and consume and tear Nature apart and drive the Earth to wrath! Oh, do you know why I hate Santa? The sheer extravagance of the man! Eight reindeer when he could use two, ten presents when he could give one. And the plate of cookies! And he actually enjoys them! This interview is over, Mr. Hayden. Have a Merry Christmas!

(Ms. Svetlana stomps out.)

Nick: (sighing) I’ll have to tell Natasha I didn’t have time to give the Chex Mix we made her.

Originally published December 20, 2007

In college, I, Nick Hayden, would occasionally interview the movers and shakers of the world and post the transcripts via email to those who were interested in such personages. At the time, my main subject was Stuart Lem, headmaster of the prestigious Lem Institute. Recently, I have observed the events and circumstances of these modern days and yearned more and more to dig deeper into the psyche of those who make the news. Then, as luck would have it—or Providence, if one believes in such a thing—I stumbled into Don Merriman, a fascinating gentleman. Having heard some of his story, and of his particular passions, I could no longer restrain myself. I arranged an interview. If God is willing, this will be the first of many to open the nation’s eyes to those who are doing the most good in these present times and who strive to usher us into a new age of prosperity and peace.

Nick: Hello, Donald. Let me thank you again for the pleasure of this interview.

Don: The pleasure is mine, Nick.

Nick: We’ve talked some, and I know you wear many hats. You’re a business owner, a family man, a member of your church council, but you have a special passion this time of year. Tell me about that.

Don: Well, I like to call myself a Christmas Crusader.

Nick: And what does that mean?

Don: I fight for Christmas. Particularly, I’m the guy that makes sure that every megastore and billion-dollar corporation uses the words “Merry Christmas” and not “Happy Holidays.”

Nick: I know that this is a major issue for many people. For those who don’t know, explain it in a nutshell.

Don: It’s a war, Nick. It’s as simple as that. It’s a war for the soul of this nation. “Happy Holidays” is the devil’s language for self-worship, idolatry, and rebellion.

Nick: That’s pretty strong language.

Don: The Bible is full of strong language, Nick.

Nick: That’s true, but…I’m not sure I follow. How does the Bible apply to saying “Merry Christmas”?

Don: You know what Mark 8:38 says, don’t you?

Nick: Um…not off-hand.

Don: “If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”

Nick: So, refusal to say “Merry Christmas” is a sign of rejecting Jesus Christ?

Don: Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Nick: What about Spanish speakers? They say “Feliz Navidad.”

Don: If they’re legal, they speak English. If they’re illegal…don’t get me started.

Nick: And if they’re Mexican citizens?

Don: (getting irritated) We’re talking about America, aren’t we? Why are we bringing Mexico into it?

Nick: Yes, of course. I’m sorry. Where were we?

Don: Forcing every business and household in American to proclaim “Merry Christmas” with joy, love, and intense fervor.

Nick: Ah, yes. How do you go about doing that?

Don: First, we send an official complaint. Then, when they answer us with a nasty letter, we start a petition.

Nick: How many people usually sign a petition?

Don: Roughly five billion.

Nick: Er…ah…you mean, five million, I suppose?

Don: Nope. Five billion.

Nick: I…sorry if I sound incredulous, but that’s like 80% of the population of the earth.

Don: (laughing) That is ridiculous. No, we keep sending the petition around until we get a few billion signatures. I signed the last petition about ten thousand times. That really shows them.

Nick: …Ah…alright. Do the petitions get the job done?

Don: Many times, yes. When they don’t we have a third option. Massive boycott. But it’s not just your regular boycott. Say you have two competing corporations. One bows down before our boycott, the other doesn’t. We then tell everyone to boycott the latter and shop religiously at the first. This not only punishes the perpetrator’s profit margin, where it really hurts, but their fiercest competitor keeps raking in the dough. How’s that for pressure?

Nick: So…you reward companies that say “Merry Christmas” by buying their product?

Don: Yes.

Nick: Let me phrase this another way: You purposely connect the expression “Merry Christmas” to massive consumption?

Don: Yes. What’s the problem?

Nick: Never mind. One last question. I know some Christian who, though they firmly believe that Jesus is the reason for the season, so to speak, don’t agree with your strong arm tactics. How would you respond to them?

Don: I’d say, Look, Christians are told to suit up in armor, right? Fight the good fight. Defend God’s honor and bring his kingdom to earth now, as soon as possible. For goodness sake, Paul even talks about wielding the Sword of Truth! That’s what I’m doing—showing the big man what’s true!

Nick: I believe it’s the sword of the Spirit.

Don: Whatever.

Nick: Well, thank you for your time, Don. I think my readers can at least agree with you on the meaning of Christmas. I hope you and your family have a very Merry Christmas.

Don: Thank you, Nick. Same to you.

Nick: Oh, quick question. What’s your take on Easter?

Don: Easter? What do you mean?

Nick: I mean, should we call it “Resurrectionmas” or something?

Don: (laughing) Whatever for? Really, you have strange ideas! Easter’s not a corporate holy-day.